Thursday, August 9, 2012

United Nations declares Saskatoon sand bar to be in international waters

The South Saskatchewan River sand bar, pictured from atop the Broadway Bridge, will now be subject to the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Seas
SASKATOON - The United Nations dropped a bombshell last night, declaring the sandbar below Saskatoon’s Broadway Bridge to be located in international waters.

Frank Wagner, the newly-appointed United Nations special envoy to the Saskatoon sand bar expressed caution. “With local, provincial, and national laws no longer applying to the sand bar, we now have a situation where anything goes!”
Interested parties are already moving in to take advantage of the sand bar’s unique legal status.

A casino popped up on the northeast shore of the sand bar within hours.  Appropriately named “The Craps Table” due to the sewage lift station mere metres upstream, the casino has been flush with visitors. 

“Unfortunately, we were dismayed to learn that even in international waters, you still must purchase liquor through the Saskatchewan Liquor and Gaming Authority.” noted Jerry Thorn, the casino’s night club manager.

Meanwhile, a group of yogis unable to afford both housing and lululemon have staked claim to a river-front piece of sand.  They are planning a new live-work yogi commune. 

“We want to start the sand bar’s gentrification process early” said Noah Xavier, the commune’s spokesperson.  “Plans are under way first for a coffee shop to open in the third quarter, and the fair trade potash mine should be producing by fiscal 2014.”

Perhaps least surprisingly, the local Chamber of Commerce also rushed in.  Its surveyors staked out space for a sweat shop to manufacture shirts and ties.

“Finally, a jurisdiction with labour laws more lax than Saskatchewan’s!” exclaimed Baxter Trasco, the Chamber’s Director of Entrepreneurial Enhancement.

The provincial government at first was widely expected to increase water flow from Lake Diefenbaker to clear away the sand bar's sins.  In a change of tact, however, they are now examining using the sand bar as a policy incubator.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Riders team up with Mattel to introduce Barbie’s Dream Stadium

Barbie's Dream Stadium, pictured above.  Roof not included.
REGINA - Plastic toy manufacturer Mattel and quasi-professional sports team the Saskatchewan Roughriders this morning announced their latest licensed merchandise offering.

“For years, Barbie has created unrealistic expectations for women” asserted Nat O'Finn, Mattel's Director of Suckling Public Money.  “Today unrealistic expectations reach the next level, with Barbie’s Dream Stadium!”

The toy stadium, designed to seat 33,000 dolls, will retail for $278.  Nobody would comment on whether the price would be subject to change.

Analysts expressed surprise with the lack of originality of Barbie’s Dream Stadium, given that it is virtually identical to the already-available Skipper’s Pro-Bowl Arena. 

However, the high price tag and lack of originality have failed to dampen parent enthusiasm.
“We just had to get down to the Toys 'R Us and pick one up right away!” exclaimed local parent Barnie Flagstaff.  “Who cares if my kid is only going to play with it ten times a year?”

Flagstaff was not alone.  Cash-strapped parent Marion Dewight extended her home equity line of credit to purchase a stadium for her daughter Patricia. 

“We’re already mapping out a plan to pay down the toy” she noted.  “We’ll be charging little Patricia’s friends a $12 facility fee every time they come over to play.”

“For the next thirty years” she added.

Leaving a Wal-Mart with her granddaughter clutching a stadium, 72-year-old Trina Reed told reporters “It came down to the stadium or prescription medication, but there’s no talking logic with a screaming kid.”

As she limped into her Oldsmobile, she was heard sighing “Guess I’ll never afford Barbie’s Dream Senior Citizen Public Housing now.”
Even out-of-town parents got in on the craze.  Larry Smith rushed to the city to purchase a stadium at first mention.  “I recently watched the roof cave in on my daughter’s Barbie's Elementary School.  This is a perfect replacement!”

Absent amongst the hype was mention of Mattel’s age-old problems with quality control and novelty factor. But Mattel and the Roughriders are prepared.  Plans are in the works for Barbie’s Dream Television Studio.  It will be debuted next time the Barbie line needs a telethon to keep it afloat.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Mayor Atchison rejects LRT in favour of used roller coasters

SASKATOON - In a move being criticised by transit users but applauded by the amusement park lobby, this morning Mayor Atchison announced Saskatoon will reject light rail transit in favour of a city-wide network of used roller coasters.

“Today, Saskatoon declares war on the pedestrian!” Atchison gloated as he squeezed through a ceremonial turnstile at River Landing.

Roller Coaster Transit, or RCT for short, will be built on the city's busiest sidewalks instead of roadways.  Atchison hopes this will encourage car use while getting pesky pedestrians off the streets.

"I mean, have you tried to drive in this city?  There's always some jerk hogging a crosswalk," the mayor griped. "We need to get all these people off the streets.  It's the only way to make them safe!"

The city initially considered putting RCT lines on existing bike paths, but quickly realised you can't get anywhere on a city bike path.

Transit users, while annoyed, have seemingly resigned themselves to City Hall once again kneecapping Saskatoon’s transit system.  Yet Atchison, who rarely if ever has been spotted on a city bus, appeared oblivious.

“No problem!” he retorted when reporters asked about the accessibility problems that roller coasters would create for the disabled.  “We’ll just hitch those wheelchairs onto the back car!”

The new Roller Coaster Transit system will link many important Saskatoon destinations, including the garbage dump with the Mendel Art Gallery and City Hall with the new North Industrial Red Light District.

RCT was panned for its lack of stops anywhere near the 21st Street shopping district, home to the mayor’s men's wear store.  When asked about the difficulties this would cause transit users looking to shop downtown, Atchison cautioned “Oh, I don’t want those kinds of people coming in my store.”

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Injuries skyrocket on campus due to electric massage chair

The electric massage chair, pictured above, has been mistaken as a leftover prop from Stephen King's failed "Maximum Overdrive" movie.

SASKATOON - Dozens of people have been injured by a coin-operated electric massage chair in the new University of Saskatchewan Students’ Union centre.

“It was dire” gasped survivor Ted Plauen.  “I sat down and was digging for a loonie.  Next thing you know, the machine is all punching your vertebrate with brass knuckles.”

“At high velocity!” he hastened to add.

Plauen is not alone.  Others in the campus community have fallen victim to the coin-operated chair. 

Debbie Barton, an instructor in the College of Commerce, sustained a cracked rib following a five-minute session.  Brampton Smith, a professor of Chemistry, emerged from the chair with a collapsed lung.  And Paula Leigh, a student of Arts and Science, suffered a torn rotator cuff when a power surge struck while she used the chair.

“It’s just not safe” cautioned Stephen Sudderfield, whose appendix burst while receiving a massage. 
Barry Rogers, Students’ Union Vice-President of Branding Academic Integrity, discounted concerns of injury.  Instead he argued the chair was a boon to campus.

“We’re just giving the students what they want,” he asserted.  “A faux-leather coin-operated massage chair in a cheaply-drywalled nook near the food court.”

“I mean, when you’re all tensed up, how can you possibly understand or advocate for your rights as a student?” Rogers justified.

Upon hearing rumours about the chair, the University’s Director of Threats and Hazards, Marnie Booth, investigated first hand.

Enduring a painful massage, Booth hobbled off the chair to proclaim “Not only was the coin slot not clearly labelled, but the machine lacked any sort of marketing program to attract a crowd.”

When asked about the rapidly-appearing bruise on her right shoulder, she griped “There’s no possible way for this chair to maintain quarter-over-quarter growth unless we sell naming rights then franchise.”

Monday, March 29, 2010

Hannah Montana's Cavity Search

Apparently I learned nothing from that 2007 antifreeze-tainted toothpaste scare, as a recent trip to the Extra Foods resulted in the purchase of a 99 cent tube of what appears to be Hannah Montana-flavoured Crest toothpaste.

Sure... you may think it’s ridiculous to postulate that a toothpaste bears the flavour of a pre-teen pop sensation, yet all packaging clues lead nowhere except to this conclusion: Most toothpaste labels have the word “Mint” (or one of its variations) set in 24 point Helvetica alongside a cheaply-drawn green leaf. Splattered across this tube’s label are the words “Hannah Montana” alongside a cheaply-photoshopped teenage commodity.

Given the parallelism, what else is am I to conclude? I doubt those two Disney logos or the pair of indecipherable product codes are signifying the flavour. Does NPN80000806 sound like a flavour to you?

Okay. Perhaps it is a stretch to speculate that a 99 cent chemical gel exactly replicates Hannah Montana's flavour, but I suspect for a dental hygiene paste form, it’s a pretty accurate representation.

Hannah is cinnamon-y. With a hint of bubble gum. And a chemical kick reminiscent of those scratch-and-sniff books you’d take out from the public library as a kid... or perhaps a hit of poppers.

I’ve used half the tube.

But I think I’ve reached the end. Could it be those small sparkly solids suspended in the paste? Maybe it’s the Red 40 listed in the ingredients? Possibly it’s that nagging absence of a Canadian Dental Association seal of approval. Regardless, I just can’t use it any more.

Fortunately, I need not worry if a second Hannah Montana craving sets in. Though found in a clearance bin, the toothpaste is not irreplaceable (unlike, for example, teeth): A quick search of Amazon and Ebay reveals sellers seeking upwards of $32 for six-tube bundles. Even if Crest Hannah Montana flavour toothpaste leaves a bad taste in my mouth, it's practically consumer-grade gold.

This entry originally appeared on pamphleteers, a blog far more compelling than mine...

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Mayor Atchison enlists Kool-Aid Man to speed demolitions

Poppin' Fresh put on retainer for future half-baked schemes

SASKATOON - Eager to pave the way for more out-of-control development, Mayor Atchison today announced that he has partnered with the Kool-Aid Man to identify and demolish city heritage properties.

Busting through the west wall of the Mendel Art Gallery to make the announcement, Atchison proclaimed “All these dumpy old buildings are getting in the way of driving up rents and selling naming rights.”

City heritage advocates are particularly alarmed by the Kool-Aid Man’s affinity for brick walls, given that many of Saskatoon’s finest heritage properties - such as Cambridge Court, the Land Titles Office, and the Hutchinson Building - are constructed out of brick.

Atchison appeared oblivious to these citizen concerns. “Only pennies per demolition!” he squealed with delight.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Mayor Atchison robs Louvre of entire art collection

Nothing left behind but gallery’s nameplate

SASKATOON- In what is being described as the most brazen art heist ever, Mayor Atchison robbed the Louvre of its entire collection. He plans to showcase his booty at the River Landing pyramid.

The mayor was unwilling to reveal exactly how he pillaged the Louvre, but experts suspect a crime of this proportion could not have been accomplished without help on the inside.

Even more shocking to Saskatoon residents was the $58 million expense claim Atchison submitted to City Hall. “Art heists don’t come cheap” he declared.

To cover the hefty price tag, the city is considering selling naming rights to the collection’s pieces.

“Soon the Group of Seven will be known as the Group of 7-11” wheezed Atchison as he nibbled on a taquito.