tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7895172173609085992024-02-06T21:17:00.657-08:00XM301XM301http://www.blogger.com/profile/08379573605282024472noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-789517217360908599.post-85118704769291440862012-08-09T22:09:00.000-07:002012-08-09T22:09:13.652-07:00United Nations declares Saskatoon sand bar to be in international waters<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJnRKoy1WVNl9p0ifMppxvLOstBHxJCdlHGU_qjlNtnsiu3riLCto8eDqxZ7khP47NKYIJV-ShPcrqDMbbJQnYilASLv6w1oBNidH642qmhIU1RuN54Iwz1AolaGdOCBy0JhSinCUh7WQ/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJnRKoy1WVNl9p0ifMppxvLOstBHxJCdlHGU_qjlNtnsiu3riLCto8eDqxZ7khP47NKYIJV-ShPcrqDMbbJQnYilASLv6w1oBNidH642qmhIU1RuN54Iwz1AolaGdOCBy0JhSinCUh7WQ/s400/photo.JPG" width="297" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The South Saskatchewan River sand bar, pictured from atop the Broadway Bridge, will now be subject to the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Seas</td></tr>
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SASKATOON - The United Nations dropped a bombshell last night, declaring the sandbar below Saskatoon’s Broadway Bridge to be located in international waters.<br /><br />Frank Wagner, the newly-appointed United Nations special envoy to the Saskatoon sand bar expressed caution. “With local, provincial, and national laws no longer applying to the sand bar, we now have a situation where anything goes!” <br /> <br />Interested parties are already moving in to take advantage of the sand bar’s unique legal status.<br /><br />A casino popped up on the northeast shore of the sand bar within hours. Appropriately named “The Craps Table” due to the sewage lift station mere metres upstream, the casino has been flush with visitors. <br /><br />“Unfortunately, we were dismayed to learn that even in international waters, you still must purchase liquor through the Saskatchewan Liquor and Gaming Authority.” noted Jerry Thorn, the casino’s night club manager.<br /><br />Meanwhile, a group of yogis unable to afford both housing and lululemon have staked claim to a river-front piece of sand. They are planning a new live-work yogi commune. <br /><br />“We want to start the sand bar’s gentrification process early” said Noah Xavier, the commune’s spokesperson. “Plans are under way first for a coffee shop to open in the third quarter, and the fair trade potash mine should be producing by fiscal 2014.” <br /><br />Perhaps least surprisingly, the local Chamber of Commerce also rushed in. Its surveyors staked out space for a sweat shop to manufacture shirts and ties. <br /><br />“Finally, a jurisdiction with labour laws more lax than Saskatchewan’s!” exclaimed Baxter Trasco, the Chamber’s Director of Entrepreneurial Enhancement. <br /><br />The provincial government at first was widely expected to increase water flow from Lake Diefenbaker to clear away the sand bar's sins. In a change of tact, however, they are now examining using the sand bar as a policy incubator.XM301http://www.blogger.com/profile/08379573605282024472noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-789517217360908599.post-23754546456965821232012-08-04T10:09:00.000-07:002012-08-09T22:26:45.522-07:00Riders team up with Mattel to introduce Barbie’s Dream Stadium<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJwtuK6mLcVHrLY6TwegPTRKY6xbSSIojAzibv9ZT4tczKVzc-fO1ATrBhZFctQPRwYW1cQEeJVmnntm6-cSHR_SUPpnuKEJDjehnQ-75pGeLLPAE4s3REgl63larixygCS4d8Sl1cnD8/s1600/ruined+stadium.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJwtuK6mLcVHrLY6TwegPTRKY6xbSSIojAzibv9ZT4tczKVzc-fO1ATrBhZFctQPRwYW1cQEeJVmnntm6-cSHR_SUPpnuKEJDjehnQ-75pGeLLPAE4s3REgl63larixygCS4d8Sl1cnD8/s400/ruined+stadium.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Barbie's Dream Stadium, pictured above. Roof not included.</td></tr>
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REGINA - Plastic toy manufacturer Mattel and quasi-professional sports team the Saskatchewan Roughriders this morning announced their latest licensed merchandise offering. <br />
<br />
“For years, Barbie has created unrealistic expectations for women” asserted Nat O'Finn, Mattel's Director of Suckling Public Money. “Today unrealistic expectations reach the next level, with Barbie’s Dream Stadium!”<br />
<br />
The toy stadium, designed to seat 33,000 dolls, will retail for $278. Nobody would comment on whether the price would be subject to change. <br />
<br />
Analysts expressed surprise with the lack of originality of Barbie’s Dream Stadium, given that it is virtually identical to the already-available Skipper’s Pro-Bowl Arena. <br />
<br />
However, the high price tag and lack of originality have failed to dampen parent enthusiasm.<br />
<br />
“We just had to get down to the Toys 'R Us and pick one up right away!” exclaimed local parent Barnie Flagstaff. “Who cares if my kid is only going to play with it ten times a year?” <br />
<br />
Flagstaff was not alone. Cash-strapped parent Marion Dewight extended her home equity line of credit to purchase a stadium for her daughter Patricia. <br />
<br />
“We’re already mapping out a plan to pay down the toy” she noted. “We’ll be charging little Patricia’s friends a $12 facility fee every time they come over to play.”<br />
<br />
“For the next thirty years” she added.<br />
<br />
Leaving a Wal-Mart with her granddaughter clutching a stadium, 72-year-old Trina Reed told reporters “It came down to the stadium or prescription medication, but there’s no talking logic with a screaming kid.”<br />
<br />
As she limped into her Oldsmobile, she was heard sighing “Guess I’ll never afford Barbie’s Dream Senior Citizen Public Housing now.”<br />
<br />
Even out-of-town parents got in on the craze. Larry Smith rushed to the city to purchase a stadium at first mention. “I recently watched the roof cave in on my daughter’s Barbie's Elementary School. This is a perfect replacement!”<br />
<br />
Absent amongst the hype was mention of Mattel’s age-old problems with quality control and novelty factor. But Mattel and the Roughriders are prepared. Plans are in the works for Barbie’s Dream Television Studio. It will be debuted next time the Barbie line needs a telethon to keep it afloat.XM301http://www.blogger.com/profile/08379573605282024472noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-789517217360908599.post-79780332010243757882012-07-28T14:51:00.000-07:002012-08-04T10:12:39.842-07:00Mayor Atchison rejects LRT in favour of used roller coasters<div class="im">
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SASKATOON
- In a move being criticised by transit users but applauded by the
amusement park lobby, this morning Mayor Atchison announced Saskatoon will
reject light rail transit in favour of a city-wide network of used
roller coasters.<br />
<br />
“Today, Saskatoon declares war on the pedestrian!” Atchison gloated as he squeezed through a
ceremonial turnstile at River Landing.<br />
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Roller Coaster Transit, or RCT for short, will be built on the city's busiest sidewalks instead of roadways. Atchison hopes this will encourage car use while getting pesky
pedestrians off the streets.<br />
<br />
"I mean, have you tried to drive in this city? There's always some jerk hogging a crosswalk," the mayor griped. "We need to get all these people off the streets. It's the only way to make them safe!"</div>
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The city initially considered putting RCT lines on existing bike paths, but quickly realised you can't get anywhere on a city bike path.<br />
<div class="im">
<br />
Transit users, while annoyed, have seemingly resigned themselves to
City Hall once again kneecapping Saskatoon’s transit system. Yet Atchison, who rarely if ever has been
spotted on a city bus, appeared oblivious.<br />
<br />
“No problem!” he retorted when reporters asked about the
accessibility problems that roller coasters would create for the
disabled. “We’ll just hitch those wheelchairs onto the back car!”<br />
<br />
The
new Roller Coaster Transit system will link many important Saskatoon
destinations, including the garbage dump with the Mendel Art
Gallery and City Hall with the new North Industrial Red Light District.</div>
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<br />
RCT was panned for its lack of stops anywhere near
the 21st Street shopping district, home to the mayor’s men's wear store.
When asked about the difficulties this would cause transit users looking to
shop downtown, Atchison cautioned “Oh, I don’t want those kinds of
people coming in my store.”</div>
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</div>XM301http://www.blogger.com/profile/08379573605282024472noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-789517217360908599.post-64854665291821188102012-07-21T19:50:00.000-07:002012-07-28T23:12:05.539-07:00Injuries skyrocket on campus due to electric massage chair<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqwPyRvJdLr_YMd4AiP_PrxGptavdyEoHF2O9RPsuPKsrKgrdFxDaZaXv5HYBEpnVVZ88xPdaaqnxqD90qqE7r4Q7f4j8Ty9EGJtdm0N0XhZqQxBa8ovQPvQTw0s8tMj_SrfRJITkPU8U/s1600/the+chair.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqwPyRvJdLr_YMd4AiP_PrxGptavdyEoHF2O9RPsuPKsrKgrdFxDaZaXv5HYBEpnVVZ88xPdaaqnxqD90qqE7r4Q7f4j8Ty9EGJtdm0N0XhZqQxBa8ovQPvQTw0s8tMj_SrfRJITkPU8U/s400/the+chair.jpg" width="298" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The electric massage chair, pictured above, has been mistaken as a leftover prop from Stephen King's failed "Maximum Overdrive" movie.</td></tr>
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SASKATOON - Dozens of people have been injured by a coin-operated electric massage chair in the new University of Saskatchewan Students’ Union centre.<br />
<br />
“It was dire” gasped survivor Ted Plauen. “I sat down and was digging for a loonie. Next thing you know, the machine is all punching your vertebrate with brass knuckles.”<br />
<br />
“At high velocity!” he hastened to add.<br />
<br />
Plauen is not alone. Others in the campus community have fallen victim to the coin-operated chair. <br />
<br />
Debbie Barton, an instructor in the College of Commerce, sustained a cracked rib following a five-minute session. Brampton Smith, a professor of Chemistry, emerged from the chair with a collapsed lung. And Paula Leigh, a student of Arts and Science, suffered a torn rotator cuff when a power surge struck while she used the chair.<br />
<br />
“It’s just not safe” cautioned Stephen Sudderfield, whose appendix burst while receiving a massage. <br />
<br />
Barry Rogers, Students’ Union Vice-President of Branding Academic Integrity, discounted concerns of injury. Instead he argued the chair was a boon to campus.<br />
<br />
“We’re just giving the students what they want,” he asserted. “A faux-leather coin-operated massage chair in a cheaply-drywalled nook near the food court.”<br />
<br />
“I mean, when you’re all tensed up, how can you possibly understand or advocate for your rights as a student?” Rogers justified.<br />
<br />
Upon hearing rumours about the chair, the University’s Director of Threats and Hazards, Marnie Booth, investigated first hand.<br />
<br />
Enduring a painful massage, Booth hobbled off the chair to proclaim “Not only was the coin slot not clearly labelled, but the machine lacked any sort of marketing program to attract a crowd.” <br />
<br />
When asked about the rapidly-appearing bruise on her right shoulder, she griped “There’s no possible way for this chair to maintain quarter-over-quarter growth unless we sell naming rights then franchise.”XM301http://www.blogger.com/profile/08379573605282024472noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-789517217360908599.post-83134071644280826782010-03-29T01:01:00.000-07:002012-07-28T23:14:59.449-07:00Hannah Montana's Cavity Search<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBuoZHocJDU4iXq7QKYzfH1lc6RE2C58whD-6v9pa3WWLaC57hz4S7Hw8SbH17l3Wbse057YHsIfYY5nk5XPYYYoWi1yMB68EfTBcYYOLgP3Cj_Tt2HRUztUWsLuZIlj6afYmwzFOYlBk/s1600/P1020747.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5453966981916294402" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBuoZHocJDU4iXq7QKYzfH1lc6RE2C58whD-6v9pa3WWLaC57hz4S7Hw8SbH17l3Wbse057YHsIfYY5nk5XPYYYoWi1yMB68EfTBcYYOLgP3Cj_Tt2HRUztUWsLuZIlj6afYmwzFOYlBk/s400/P1020747.JPG" style="cursor: pointer; float: left; height: 300px; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; width: 400px;" /></a><br />
Apparently I learned nothing from that 2007 antifreeze-tainted toothpaste scare, as a recent trip to the Extra Foods resulted in the purchase of a 99 cent tube of what appears to be Hannah Montana-flavoured Crest toothpaste.<br />
<br />
Sure... you may think it’s ridiculous to postulate that a toothpaste bears the flavour of a pre-teen pop sensation, yet all packaging clues lead nowhere except to this conclusion: Most toothpaste labels have the word “Mint” (or one of its variations) set in 24 point Helvetica alongside a cheaply-drawn green leaf. Splattered across this tube’s label are the words “Hannah Montana” alongside a cheaply-photoshopped teenage commodity.<br />
<br />
Given the parallelism, what else is am I to conclude? I doubt those two Disney logos or the pair of indecipherable product codes are signifying the flavour. Does NPN80000806 sound like a flavour to you?<br />
<br />
Okay. Perhaps it is a stretch to speculate that a 99 cent chemical gel exactly replicates Hannah Montana's flavour, but I suspect for a dental hygiene paste form, it’s a pretty accurate representation.<br />
<br />
Hannah is cinnamon-y. With a hint of bubble gum. And a chemical kick reminiscent of those scratch-and-sniff books you’d take out from the public library as a kid... or perhaps a hit of poppers.<br />
<br />
I’ve used half the tube.<br />
<br />
But I think I’ve reached the end. Could it be those small sparkly solids suspended in the paste? Maybe it’s the Red 40 listed in the ingredients? Possibly it’s that nagging absence of a Canadian Dental Association seal of approval. Regardless, I just can’t use it any more.<br />
<br />
Fortunately, I need not worry if a second Hannah Montana craving sets in. Though found in a clearance bin, the toothpaste is not irreplaceable (unlike, for example, teeth): A quick search of Amazon and Ebay reveals sellers seeking upwards of $32 for six-tube bundles. Even if Crest Hannah Montana flavour toothpaste leaves a bad taste in my mouth, it's practically consumer-grade gold.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 78%;">This entry originally appeared on </span><span style="font-size: 78%;"> <a href="http://thesepamphleteers.blogspot.com/search/label/hannah%20montana/">pamphleteers</a></span><span style="font-size: 78%;">, a blog far more compelling than mine... <a href="http://thesepamphleteers.blogspot.com/"><br /></a></span>XM301http://www.blogger.com/profile/08379573605282024472noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-789517217360908599.post-20795070410108977552009-10-21T20:14:00.000-07:002012-07-28T23:16:19.024-07:00Mayor Atchison enlists Kool-Aid Man to speed demolitions<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaXD5eaFzUaQbdI9JybJ69kfAmj1DOUlCMNgS1S-FpaOJFJPOwXdDYZXYE1b-b1EB_q9CdLfjKh8HE4mnig8MphlKv2i1mROElAtUvjZoS_EaJb7SnstDlPxJjUFJcVHJIncrDvrh_TX8/s1600-h/oh+yeatch.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5395264418292385458" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaXD5eaFzUaQbdI9JybJ69kfAmj1DOUlCMNgS1S-FpaOJFJPOwXdDYZXYE1b-b1EB_q9CdLfjKh8HE4mnig8MphlKv2i1mROElAtUvjZoS_EaJb7SnstDlPxJjUFJcVHJIncrDvrh_TX8/s400/oh+yeatch.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; float: left; height: 297px; margin: 0 10px 10px 0; width: 400px;" /></a><br />
<span style="color: #ffcc99;">Poppin' Fresh put on retainer for future half-baked schemes</span><br />
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SASKATOON - Eager to pave the way for more out-of-control development, Mayor Atchison today announced that he has partnered with the Kool-Aid Man to identify and demolish city heritage properties.<br />
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Busting through the west wall of the Mendel Art Gallery to make the announcement, Atchison proclaimed “All these dumpy old buildings are getting in the way of driving up rents and selling naming rights.”<br />
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City heritage advocates are particularly alarmed by the Kool-Aid Man’s affinity for brick walls, given that many of Saskatoon’s finest heritage properties - such as Cambridge Court, the Land Titles Office, and the Hutchinson Building - are constructed out of brick. <br />
<br />
Atchison appeared oblivious to these citizen concerns. “Only pennies per demolition!” he squealed with delight.XM301http://www.blogger.com/profile/08379573605282024472noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-789517217360908599.post-91592673977101648412009-10-16T01:25:00.000-07:002012-07-28T23:17:07.102-07:00Mayor Atchison robs Louvre of entire art collection<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFBWUtUfEKxXz1WtrEMDXlxhQlE5CTYlr7QgIW-2gYSMEKWqTrIKB7-D5Iuiagsbwnc0JVuvtspB3cY3GiqsTb3lhSeDruF9DjpqGKR5oA3xdR3Vc7z98LMSOP4M2bJhoMmaE_uqxwlW0/s1600-h/Dona+Lisa.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5393112091180573682" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFBWUtUfEKxXz1WtrEMDXlxhQlE5CTYlr7QgIW-2gYSMEKWqTrIKB7-D5Iuiagsbwnc0JVuvtspB3cY3GiqsTb3lhSeDruF9DjpqGKR5oA3xdR3Vc7z98LMSOP4M2bJhoMmaE_uqxwlW0/s320/Dona+Lisa.jpg" style="cursor: hand; float: left; height: 320px; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px; width: 237px;" /></a><span style="color: #ffcc66;"><span style="color: #ffcc99;">Nothing left behind but gallery’s nameplate</span></span><br />
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SASKATOON- In what is being described as the most brazen art heist ever, Mayor Atchison robbed the Louvre of its entire collection. He plans to showcase his booty at the River Landing pyramid.<br />
<br />
The mayor was unwilling to reveal exactly how he pillaged the Louvre, but experts suspect a crime of this proportion could not have been accomplished without help on the inside.<br />
<br />
Even more shocking to Saskatoon residents was the $58 million expense claim Atchison submitted to City Hall. “Art heists don’t come cheap” he declared.<br />
<br />
To cover the hefty price tag, the city is considering selling naming rights to the collection’s pieces.<br />
<br />
“Soon the Group of Seven will be known as the Group of 7-11” wheezed Atchison as he nibbled on a taquito.XM301http://www.blogger.com/profile/08379573605282024472noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-789517217360908599.post-85499079128506669382009-10-05T20:39:00.000-07:002009-10-16T02:01:34.308-07:00Mayor Atchison unveils plan to build pyramid at River Landing<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdKIaGTUpSsx13I3eAFuSF0lDdnjOD_7W9jJJQ3Jh_1dyr8nwB2RPrU5oXeySZ95am22J7Ooy2fIcz1YB_CoTNjQ4MWZZ9tCKoSLyjaHQQOTj7hUzfcZwHh29K_5vGN4_QfMD3zrJW1LQ/s1600-h/atchison+sphinx.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5389324126602986258" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 310px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 231px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdKIaGTUpSsx13I3eAFuSF0lDdnjOD_7W9jJJQ3Jh_1dyr8nwB2RPrU5oXeySZ95am22J7Ooy2fIcz1YB_CoTNjQ4MWZZ9tCKoSLyjaHQQOTj7hUzfcZwHh29K_5vGN4_QfMD3zrJW1LQ/s320/atchison+sphinx.jpg" border="0" /></a><span style="COLOR: rgb(255,204,102)"><span style="COLOR: rgb(255,204,153)">Near-bankrupt city plans pyramid scheme to pay for pyramid scheme </span><br /></span><br /><br />SASKATOON- Mayor Atchison today announced a pyramid will be built at River Landing.<br /><br />“Today I give the city a temple to myself” a jubilant Atchison proclaimed on an empty piece of riverfront land.<br /><br />The architects responsible for Giants Stadium, HNTB, will design Atchison's pyramid. “I can think of 107 reasons to seek out this firm’s expertise” he gushed.<br /><br />To be constructed using rubble from historical mistakes that developers have graciously bulldozed – such as the Capitol Theatre Movie Palace – Atchison eagerly added “The Pyramid will also block the view from the freeway of unnecessary downtown afflictions like the homeless and the library.”<br /><br />There have already been several expressions of interest from culturally-significant anchor tenants, including Rona and Arby’s.<br /><br />Atchison hinted at plans for a sphinx bearing the Mayor’s face as phase two of this project, but would not confirm whether his visage would be placed on the front or the rear of the deity.XM301http://www.blogger.com/profile/08379573605282024472noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-789517217360908599.post-79354462286801550782009-10-02T23:18:00.000-07:002012-07-28T23:16:40.617-07:00Mayor Atchison announces running mate<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcuTu6HAv3tTW79722KdyXozGerS-GMVLz_HdQYaq3wLUwGqGBCipWQNfu1oh1tMSsuYHzwPs3wMcPu-E_paOMGbugsC4LH280882MgEqB2o0Cy89qblo5fW08lvG-9CeG0xikVhXRCH4/s1600-h/Atch_McCheese_09_Throne.JPG"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5388254863121295362" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcuTu6HAv3tTW79722KdyXozGerS-GMVLz_HdQYaq3wLUwGqGBCipWQNfu1oh1tMSsuYHzwPs3wMcPu-E_paOMGbugsC4LH280882MgEqB2o0Cy89qblo5fW08lvG-9CeG0xikVhXRCH4/s320/Atch_McCheese_09_Throne.JPG" style="float: left; height: 320px; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px; width: 264px;" /></a> <span style="color: #ffcc66;"><span style="color: #ffcc99;">Unclear if Hamburglar will sit on board of police commissioners</span></span><br />
<br />
SASKATOON- In a move unprecedented in Saskatoon civic politics, Mayor Atchison today announced he will have a running mate for the coming civic election.<br />
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“Today, I announce the addition of Mayor McCheese to my 2009 campaign ticket” Atchison proclaimed from his throne at River Landing as he officially kicked off the Atch McCheese ‘09 campaign. “I can’t think of a more symbolic character for the direction in which I want to take Saskatoon.”<br />
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McCheese, known for his iron-fisted leadership style, is largely blamed for silencing voices of dissent in McDonaldland. Notably, Birdie and The Fry Guys vanished in the mid-1980s after speaking out against McCheese’s mad rampages brought on from snorting Sweet n’ Low.<br />
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The press conference was abruptly cancelled when Atchison, wearing a purple suit and tie, was mistaken by a group of passing-by children for Grimace, the anthropomorphic McDonaldland sidekick character.XM301http://www.blogger.com/profile/08379573605282024472noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-789517217360908599.post-18376047870454990822009-08-16T23:54:00.000-07:002012-07-28T23:17:25.421-07:00An Important Message for Those with Lips<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSrBI-_qq75RBbwnOikdCp3NOA1rxhUq2LCHrxlUL37SeO-iBBdnz4cFxqCYkbB0sFzQ6YNjs2z7u26vyqAMWs-XQ2caRbIY8z16B5g9_jHCGzQTIka4S6mkge6AnKhYXkkqAQPZLPgpQ/s1600-h/lip+smackers.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5370823374319460994" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSrBI-_qq75RBbwnOikdCp3NOA1rxhUq2LCHrxlUL37SeO-iBBdnz4cFxqCYkbB0sFzQ6YNjs2z7u26vyqAMWs-XQ2caRbIY8z16B5g9_jHCGzQTIka4S6mkge6AnKhYXkkqAQPZLPgpQ/s320/lip+smackers.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; float: left; height: 320px; margin: 0 10px 10px 0; width: 198px;" /></a><br />
In my high school teaching days, a student familiar with my affinity for the Kool Aid Man purchased me a three-pack of Kool Aid Lip Smackers Lip Balm. That’s right: three whole tubes of lip gloss endorsed by a jug of sugar water. <br />
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The product is terrible... absolutely terrible. Really, I’m smearing a crudely refined waste oil product on my lips, albeit with a fruit flavour. <br />
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And this crap never absorbs. It just moves on: Mostly leaving oily, fruit-flavoured deposits on glasses and stem ware - along with occasional sightings on cutlery, pens, leather sofas, and a surprising number of other household items - as this product inches through its first half-life. <br />
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I should interject that “fruit-flavoured” is a bit of a misnomer. The flavours are less fruit and more adjective: Bodacious Bling-Berry. Ripe-Rockin’ Raspberry. Union Carbide Chokecherry. It’s the adjective, not the fruit, driving the flavour.<br />
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Regardless, it was a thoughtful gift and I have long felt an obligation - perhaps even a professional responsibility - to continue using it. But at the same time I have some serious reservations about using health and beauty products endorsed by a personified non-carbonated soft drink. Especially products that, if the Kool-Aid man was to use them himself, would lead to nothing but oily smears across his face. For god’s sake - the Kool Aid Man doesn’t even have lips. What gives him the right to endorse a lip gloss? <br />
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So I’ve reached the end. Suggestions for a new lip balm would be most appreciated... products endorsed by celebrities, personified kitchen containers and/or utensils, or any other inanimate object or passed-on celebrity given life by marketing thaumaturges or necromancers need not apply.XM301http://www.blogger.com/profile/08379573605282024472noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-789517217360908599.post-85940525855045888862009-07-29T10:09:00.001-07:002012-07-28T23:14:34.765-07:00EEEEEEEEEEEurosportI'm back on the car ad kick... the 1984 Chevrolet EEEEEEEEEEEEurosport. <br />
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(NOTE: do not flail your arms in fright - that sound is the car jingle, not an incoming swarm of insects) <br />
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The car isn't actually moving! Watch the background - it's going nowhere. No doubt much like the man behind the wheel, dressed in a suit from the Wayne County Target.<br />
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And what to make of that nervous nod from the female passenger as he stomps on the gas and the car crawls off? The nod looks to me to be a signal of sorts. A signal that should lead any critical reader to ask:<br />
- Is this man drunk on cheap, hard liquor and forcing her into yet another harrowing, subservient "Sunday Drive" in this liquored rage?<br />
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Don't take my word regarding her nervous enamoring. As one YouTube poster noted in regards to her inauthentic "This is exciting":<br />
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<span style="font-style: italic;">I can imagine that. Very akin to substituting real butter in lieu of margarine on white bread toast. </span></blockquote>
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Upon closer examination, I think she mouths "I hate it when he drinks" at the ad's close.<br />
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Need further evidence? Explain the lights flashing across his face as he drives. Clearly there are authorities trying to pull over this drunk.<br />
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It only makes sense... Heavy drinkers of the middle class couldn't afford the 1984 Chevy Caprice - he had to settle for the lower-cost Eurosport.XM301http://www.blogger.com/profile/08379573605282024472noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-789517217360908599.post-92073283778442756622009-07-21T13:51:00.000-07:002012-07-28T23:13:48.025-07:00The Age of Aquari...err... AerostarWell, what a way to begin my blog - the most unfortunate minivan ad ever produced. <br />
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If mom was to really have taken that Aerostar around the corner at such a speed, her bags full of Alphagetti and Fruit Roll-Ups would shift and roll that Aerostar right into the ditch.<br />
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But on the off chance that Mom survived that, then surely she would have smashed that minivan through the back of the garage pulling in at that speed. What's the rush? Dynasty doesn't start until 8:00.<br />
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If my mother drove a minivan full of kids like that, somebody should have called Social Services. SLOW DOWN! It's an Aerostar, for god's sake.XM301http://www.blogger.com/profile/08379573605282024472noreply@blogger.com1