Thursday, August 9, 2012

United Nations declares Saskatoon sand bar to be in international waters

The South Saskatchewan River sand bar, pictured from atop the Broadway Bridge, will now be subject to the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Seas
SASKATOON - The United Nations dropped a bombshell last night, declaring the sandbar below Saskatoon’s Broadway Bridge to be located in international waters.

Frank Wagner, the newly-appointed United Nations special envoy to the Saskatoon sand bar expressed caution. “With local, provincial, and national laws no longer applying to the sand bar, we now have a situation where anything goes!”
Interested parties are already moving in to take advantage of the sand bar’s unique legal status.

A casino popped up on the northeast shore of the sand bar within hours.  Appropriately named “The Craps Table” due to the sewage lift station mere metres upstream, the casino has been flush with visitors. 

“Unfortunately, we were dismayed to learn that even in international waters, you still must purchase liquor through the Saskatchewan Liquor and Gaming Authority.” noted Jerry Thorn, the casino’s night club manager.

Meanwhile, a group of yogis unable to afford both housing and lululemon have staked claim to a river-front piece of sand.  They are planning a new live-work yogi commune. 

“We want to start the sand bar’s gentrification process early” said Noah Xavier, the commune’s spokesperson.  “Plans are under way first for a coffee shop to open in the third quarter, and the fair trade potash mine should be producing by fiscal 2014.”

Perhaps least surprisingly, the local Chamber of Commerce also rushed in.  Its surveyors staked out space for a sweat shop to manufacture shirts and ties.

“Finally, a jurisdiction with labour laws more lax than Saskatchewan’s!” exclaimed Baxter Trasco, the Chamber’s Director of Entrepreneurial Enhancement.

The provincial government at first was widely expected to increase water flow from Lake Diefenbaker to clear away the sand bar's sins.  In a change of tact, however, they are now examining using the sand bar as a policy incubator.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Riders team up with Mattel to introduce Barbie’s Dream Stadium

Barbie's Dream Stadium, pictured above.  Roof not included.
REGINA - Plastic toy manufacturer Mattel and quasi-professional sports team the Saskatchewan Roughriders this morning announced their latest licensed merchandise offering.

“For years, Barbie has created unrealistic expectations for women” asserted Nat O'Finn, Mattel's Director of Suckling Public Money.  “Today unrealistic expectations reach the next level, with Barbie’s Dream Stadium!”

The toy stadium, designed to seat 33,000 dolls, will retail for $278.  Nobody would comment on whether the price would be subject to change.

Analysts expressed surprise with the lack of originality of Barbie’s Dream Stadium, given that it is virtually identical to the already-available Skipper’s Pro-Bowl Arena. 

However, the high price tag and lack of originality have failed to dampen parent enthusiasm.
“We just had to get down to the Toys 'R Us and pick one up right away!” exclaimed local parent Barnie Flagstaff.  “Who cares if my kid is only going to play with it ten times a year?”

Flagstaff was not alone.  Cash-strapped parent Marion Dewight extended her home equity line of credit to purchase a stadium for her daughter Patricia. 

“We’re already mapping out a plan to pay down the toy” she noted.  “We’ll be charging little Patricia’s friends a $12 facility fee every time they come over to play.”

“For the next thirty years” she added.

Leaving a Wal-Mart with her granddaughter clutching a stadium, 72-year-old Trina Reed told reporters “It came down to the stadium or prescription medication, but there’s no talking logic with a screaming kid.”

As she limped into her Oldsmobile, she was heard sighing “Guess I’ll never afford Barbie’s Dream Senior Citizen Public Housing now.”
Even out-of-town parents got in on the craze.  Larry Smith rushed to the city to purchase a stadium at first mention.  “I recently watched the roof cave in on my daughter’s Barbie's Elementary School.  This is a perfect replacement!”

Absent amongst the hype was mention of Mattel’s age-old problems with quality control and novelty factor. But Mattel and the Roughriders are prepared.  Plans are in the works for Barbie’s Dream Television Studio.  It will be debuted next time the Barbie line needs a telethon to keep it afloat.