Saturday, July 28, 2012

Mayor Atchison rejects LRT in favour of used roller coasters

SASKATOON - In a move being criticised by transit users but applauded by the amusement park lobby, this morning Mayor Atchison announced Saskatoon will reject light rail transit in favour of a city-wide network of used roller coasters.

“Today, Saskatoon declares war on the pedestrian!” Atchison gloated as he squeezed through a ceremonial turnstile at River Landing.

Roller Coaster Transit, or RCT for short, will be built on the city's busiest sidewalks instead of roadways.  Atchison hopes this will encourage car use while getting pesky pedestrians off the streets.

"I mean, have you tried to drive in this city?  There's always some jerk hogging a crosswalk," the mayor griped. "We need to get all these people off the streets.  It's the only way to make them safe!"

The city initially considered putting RCT lines on existing bike paths, but quickly realised you can't get anywhere on a city bike path.

Transit users, while annoyed, have seemingly resigned themselves to City Hall once again kneecapping Saskatoon’s transit system.  Yet Atchison, who rarely if ever has been spotted on a city bus, appeared oblivious.

“No problem!” he retorted when reporters asked about the accessibility problems that roller coasters would create for the disabled.  “We’ll just hitch those wheelchairs onto the back car!”

The new Roller Coaster Transit system will link many important Saskatoon destinations, including the garbage dump with the Mendel Art Gallery and City Hall with the new North Industrial Red Light District.

RCT was panned for its lack of stops anywhere near the 21st Street shopping district, home to the mayor’s men's wear store.  When asked about the difficulties this would cause transit users looking to shop downtown, Atchison cautioned “Oh, I don’t want those kinds of people coming in my store.”

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Injuries skyrocket on campus due to electric massage chair

The electric massage chair, pictured above, has been mistaken as a leftover prop from Stephen King's failed "Maximum Overdrive" movie.

SASKATOON - Dozens of people have been injured by a coin-operated electric massage chair in the new University of Saskatchewan Students’ Union centre.

“It was dire” gasped survivor Ted Plauen.  “I sat down and was digging for a loonie.  Next thing you know, the machine is all punching your vertebrate with brass knuckles.”

“At high velocity!” he hastened to add.

Plauen is not alone.  Others in the campus community have fallen victim to the coin-operated chair. 

Debbie Barton, an instructor in the College of Commerce, sustained a cracked rib following a five-minute session.  Brampton Smith, a professor of Chemistry, emerged from the chair with a collapsed lung.  And Paula Leigh, a student of Arts and Science, suffered a torn rotator cuff when a power surge struck while she used the chair.

“It’s just not safe” cautioned Stephen Sudderfield, whose appendix burst while receiving a massage. 
Barry Rogers, Students’ Union Vice-President of Branding Academic Integrity, discounted concerns of injury.  Instead he argued the chair was a boon to campus.

“We’re just giving the students what they want,” he asserted.  “A faux-leather coin-operated massage chair in a cheaply-drywalled nook near the food court.”

“I mean, when you’re all tensed up, how can you possibly understand or advocate for your rights as a student?” Rogers justified.

Upon hearing rumours about the chair, the University’s Director of Threats and Hazards, Marnie Booth, investigated first hand.

Enduring a painful massage, Booth hobbled off the chair to proclaim “Not only was the coin slot not clearly labelled, but the machine lacked any sort of marketing program to attract a crowd.”

When asked about the rapidly-appearing bruise on her right shoulder, she griped “There’s no possible way for this chair to maintain quarter-over-quarter growth unless we sell naming rights then franchise.”