Saturday, July 21, 2012

Injuries skyrocket on campus due to electric massage chair

The electric massage chair, pictured above, has been mistaken as a leftover prop from Stephen King's failed "Maximum Overdrive" movie.

SASKATOON - Dozens of people have been injured by a coin-operated electric massage chair in the new University of Saskatchewan Students’ Union centre.

“It was dire” gasped survivor Ted Plauen.  “I sat down and was digging for a loonie.  Next thing you know, the machine is all punching your vertebrate with brass knuckles.”

“At high velocity!” he hastened to add.

Plauen is not alone.  Others in the campus community have fallen victim to the coin-operated chair. 

Debbie Barton, an instructor in the College of Commerce, sustained a cracked rib following a five-minute session.  Brampton Smith, a professor of Chemistry, emerged from the chair with a collapsed lung.  And Paula Leigh, a student of Arts and Science, suffered a torn rotator cuff when a power surge struck while she used the chair.

“It’s just not safe” cautioned Stephen Sudderfield, whose appendix burst while receiving a massage. 
Barry Rogers, Students’ Union Vice-President of Branding Academic Integrity, discounted concerns of injury.  Instead he argued the chair was a boon to campus.

“We’re just giving the students what they want,” he asserted.  “A faux-leather coin-operated massage chair in a cheaply-drywalled nook near the food court.”

“I mean, when you’re all tensed up, how can you possibly understand or advocate for your rights as a student?” Rogers justified.

Upon hearing rumours about the chair, the University’s Director of Threats and Hazards, Marnie Booth, investigated first hand.

Enduring a painful massage, Booth hobbled off the chair to proclaim “Not only was the coin slot not clearly labelled, but the machine lacked any sort of marketing program to attract a crowd.”

When asked about the rapidly-appearing bruise on her right shoulder, she griped “There’s no possible way for this chair to maintain quarter-over-quarter growth unless we sell naming rights then franchise.”

1 comment:

  1. Yay! Thank you for resuscitating your blog!