Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Mayor Atchison enlists Kool-Aid Man to speed demolitions

Poppin' Fresh put on retainer for future half-baked schemes

SASKATOON - Eager to pave the way for more out-of-control development, Mayor Atchison today announced that he has partnered with the Kool-Aid Man to identify and demolish city heritage properties.

Busting through the west wall of the Mendel Art Gallery to make the announcement, Atchison proclaimed “All these dumpy old buildings are getting in the way of driving up rents and selling naming rights.”

City heritage advocates are particularly alarmed by the Kool-Aid Man’s affinity for brick walls, given that many of Saskatoon’s finest heritage properties - such as Cambridge Court, the Land Titles Office, and the Hutchinson Building - are constructed out of brick.

Atchison appeared oblivious to these citizen concerns. “Only pennies per demolition!” he squealed with delight.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Mayor Atchison robs Louvre of entire art collection

Nothing left behind but gallery’s nameplate

SASKATOON- In what is being described as the most brazen art heist ever, Mayor Atchison robbed the Louvre of its entire collection. He plans to showcase his booty at the River Landing pyramid.

The mayor was unwilling to reveal exactly how he pillaged the Louvre, but experts suspect a crime of this proportion could not have been accomplished without help on the inside.

Even more shocking to Saskatoon residents was the $58 million expense claim Atchison submitted to City Hall. “Art heists don’t come cheap” he declared.

To cover the hefty price tag, the city is considering selling naming rights to the collection’s pieces.

“Soon the Group of Seven will be known as the Group of 7-11” wheezed Atchison as he nibbled on a taquito.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Mayor Atchison unveils plan to build pyramid at River Landing

Near-bankrupt city plans pyramid scheme to pay for pyramid scheme

SASKATOON- Mayor Atchison today announced a pyramid will be built at River Landing.

“Today I give the city a temple to myself” a jubilant Atchison proclaimed on an empty piece of riverfront land.

The architects responsible for Giants Stadium, HNTB, will design Atchison's pyramid. “I can think of 107 reasons to seek out this firm’s expertise” he gushed.

To be constructed using rubble from historical mistakes that developers have graciously bulldozed – such as the Capitol Theatre Movie Palace – Atchison eagerly added “The Pyramid will also block the view from the freeway of unnecessary downtown afflictions like the homeless and the library.”

There have already been several expressions of interest from culturally-significant anchor tenants, including Rona and Arby’s.

Atchison hinted at plans for a sphinx bearing the Mayor’s face as phase two of this project, but would not confirm whether his visage would be placed on the front or the rear of the deity.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Mayor Atchison announces running mate

Unclear if Hamburglar will sit on board of police commissioners

SASKATOON- In a move unprecedented in Saskatoon civic politics, Mayor Atchison today announced he will have a running mate for the coming civic election.

“Today, I announce the addition of Mayor McCheese to my 2009 campaign ticket” Atchison proclaimed from his throne at River Landing as he officially kicked off the Atch McCheese ‘09 campaign. “I can’t think of a more symbolic character for the direction in which I want to take Saskatoon.”

McCheese, known for his iron-fisted leadership style, is largely blamed for silencing voices of dissent in McDonaldland. Notably, Birdie and The Fry Guys vanished in the mid-1980s after speaking out against McCheese’s mad rampages brought on from snorting Sweet n’ Low.

The press conference was abruptly cancelled when Atchison, wearing a purple suit and tie, was mistaken by a group of passing-by children for Grimace, the anthropomorphic McDonaldland sidekick character.