Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Mayor Atchison enlists Kool-Aid Man to speed demolitions

Poppin' Fresh put on retainer for future half-baked schemes

SASKATOON - Eager to pave the way for more out-of-control development, Mayor Atchison today announced that he has partnered with the Kool-Aid Man to identify and demolish city heritage properties.

Busting through the west wall of the Mendel Art Gallery to make the announcement, Atchison proclaimed “All these dumpy old buildings are getting in the way of driving up rents and selling naming rights.”

City heritage advocates are particularly alarmed by the Kool-Aid Man’s affinity for brick walls, given that many of Saskatoon’s finest heritage properties - such as Cambridge Court, the Land Titles Office, and the Hutchinson Building - are constructed out of brick.

Atchison appeared oblivious to these citizen concerns. “Only pennies per demolition!” he squealed with delight.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Mayor Atchison robs Louvre of entire art collection

Nothing left behind but gallery’s nameplate

SASKATOON- In what is being described as the most brazen art heist ever, Mayor Atchison robbed the Louvre of its entire collection. He plans to showcase his booty at the River Landing pyramid.

The mayor was unwilling to reveal exactly how he pillaged the Louvre, but experts suspect a crime of this proportion could not have been accomplished without help on the inside.

Even more shocking to Saskatoon residents was the $58 million expense claim Atchison submitted to City Hall. “Art heists don’t come cheap” he declared.

To cover the hefty price tag, the city is considering selling naming rights to the collection’s pieces.

“Soon the Group of Seven will be known as the Group of 7-11” wheezed Atchison as he nibbled on a taquito.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Mayor Atchison unveils plan to build pyramid at River Landing

Near-bankrupt city plans pyramid scheme to pay for pyramid scheme

SASKATOON- Mayor Atchison today announced a pyramid will be built at River Landing.

“Today I give the city a temple to myself” a jubilant Atchison proclaimed on an empty piece of riverfront land.

The architects responsible for Giants Stadium, HNTB, will design Atchison's pyramid. “I can think of 107 reasons to seek out this firm’s expertise” he gushed.

To be constructed using rubble from historical mistakes that developers have graciously bulldozed – such as the Capitol Theatre Movie Palace – Atchison eagerly added “The Pyramid will also block the view from the freeway of unnecessary downtown afflictions like the homeless and the library.”

There have already been several expressions of interest from culturally-significant anchor tenants, including Rona and Arby’s.

Atchison hinted at plans for a sphinx bearing the Mayor’s face as phase two of this project, but would not confirm whether his visage would be placed on the front or the rear of the deity.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Mayor Atchison announces running mate

Unclear if Hamburglar will sit on board of police commissioners

SASKATOON- In a move unprecedented in Saskatoon civic politics, Mayor Atchison today announced he will have a running mate for the coming civic election.

“Today, I announce the addition of Mayor McCheese to my 2009 campaign ticket” Atchison proclaimed from his throne at River Landing as he officially kicked off the Atch McCheese ‘09 campaign. “I can’t think of a more symbolic character for the direction in which I want to take Saskatoon.”

McCheese, known for his iron-fisted leadership style, is largely blamed for silencing voices of dissent in McDonaldland. Notably, Birdie and The Fry Guys vanished in the mid-1980s after speaking out against McCheese’s mad rampages brought on from snorting Sweet n’ Low.

The press conference was abruptly cancelled when Atchison, wearing a purple suit and tie, was mistaken by a group of passing-by children for Grimace, the anthropomorphic McDonaldland sidekick character.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

An Important Message for Those with Lips

In my high school teaching days, a student familiar with my affinity for the Kool Aid Man purchased me a three-pack of Kool Aid Lip Smackers Lip Balm. That’s right: three whole tubes of lip gloss endorsed by a jug of sugar water.

The product is terrible... absolutely terrible. Really, I’m smearing a crudely refined waste oil product on my lips, albeit with a fruit flavour.

And this crap never absorbs. It just moves on: Mostly leaving oily, fruit-flavoured deposits on glasses and stem ware - along with occasional sightings on cutlery, pens, leather sofas, and a surprising number of other household items - as this product inches through its first half-life.

I should interject that “fruit-flavoured” is a bit of a misnomer. The flavours are less fruit and more adjective: Bodacious Bling-Berry. Ripe-Rockin’ Raspberry. Union Carbide Chokecherry. It’s the adjective, not the fruit, driving the flavour.

Regardless, it was a thoughtful gift and I have long felt an obligation - perhaps even a professional responsibility - to continue using it. But at the same time I have some serious reservations about using health and beauty products endorsed by a personified non-carbonated soft drink. Especially products that, if the Kool-Aid man was to use them himself, would lead to nothing but oily smears across his face. For god’s sake - the Kool Aid Man doesn’t even have lips. What gives him the right to endorse a lip gloss?

So I’ve reached the end. Suggestions for a new lip balm would be most appreciated... products endorsed by celebrities, personified kitchen containers and/or utensils, or any other inanimate object or passed-on celebrity given life by marketing thaumaturges or necromancers need not apply.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


I'm back on the car ad kick... the 1984 Chevrolet EEEEEEEEEEEEurosport.

(NOTE: do not flail your arms in fright - that sound is the car jingle, not an incoming swarm of insects)

The car isn't actually moving! Watch the background - it's going nowhere. No doubt much like the man behind the wheel, dressed in a suit from the Wayne County Target.

And what to make of that nervous nod from the female passenger as he stomps on the gas and the car crawls off? The nod looks to me to be a signal of sorts. A signal that should lead any critical reader to ask:
- Is this man drunk on cheap, hard liquor and forcing her into yet another harrowing, subservient "Sunday Drive" in this liquored rage?

Don't take my word regarding her nervous enamoring. As one YouTube poster noted in regards to her inauthentic "This is exciting":
I can imagine that. Very akin to substituting real butter in lieu of margarine on white bread toast.

Upon closer examination, I think she mouths "I hate it when he drinks" at the ad's close.

Need further evidence? Explain the lights flashing across his face as he drives. Clearly there are authorities trying to pull over this drunk.

It only makes sense... Heavy drinkers of the middle class couldn't afford the 1984 Chevy Caprice - he had to settle for the lower-cost Eurosport.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Age of Aquari...err... Aerostar

Well, what a way to begin my blog - the most unfortunate minivan ad ever produced.

If mom was to really have taken that Aerostar around the corner at such a speed, her bags full of Alphagetti and Fruit Roll-Ups would shift and roll that Aerostar right into the ditch.

But on the off chance that Mom survived that, then surely she would have smashed that minivan through the back of the garage pulling in at that speed. What's the rush? Dynasty doesn't start until 8:00.

If my mother drove a minivan full of kids like that, somebody should have called Social Services. SLOW DOWN! It's an Aerostar, for god's sake.