Saturday, July 28, 2012

Mayor Atchison rejects LRT in favour of used roller coasters

SASKATOON - In a move being criticised by transit users but applauded by the amusement park lobby, this morning Mayor Atchison announced Saskatoon will reject light rail transit in favour of a city-wide network of used roller coasters.

“Today, Saskatoon declares war on the pedestrian!” Atchison gloated as he squeezed through a ceremonial turnstile at River Landing.

Roller Coaster Transit, or RCT for short, will be built on the city's busiest sidewalks instead of roadways.  Atchison hopes this will encourage car use while getting pesky pedestrians off the streets.

"I mean, have you tried to drive in this city?  There's always some jerk hogging a crosswalk," the mayor griped. "We need to get all these people off the streets.  It's the only way to make them safe!"

The city initially considered putting RCT lines on existing bike paths, but quickly realised you can't get anywhere on a city bike path.

Transit users, while annoyed, have seemingly resigned themselves to City Hall once again kneecapping Saskatoon’s transit system.  Yet Atchison, who rarely if ever has been spotted on a city bus, appeared oblivious.

“No problem!” he retorted when reporters asked about the accessibility problems that roller coasters would create for the disabled.  “We’ll just hitch those wheelchairs onto the back car!”

The new Roller Coaster Transit system will link many important Saskatoon destinations, including the garbage dump with the Mendel Art Gallery and City Hall with the new North Industrial Red Light District.

RCT was panned for its lack of stops anywhere near the 21st Street shopping district, home to the mayor’s men's wear store.  When asked about the difficulties this would cause transit users looking to shop downtown, Atchison cautioned “Oh, I don’t want those kinds of people coming in my store.”

1 comment:

  1. Rumour has it that Mayor Atchison has invited Toronto mayor Rob Ford and his brother, Councillor Doug, to take a free ride on the proposed Roller Coaster Transit. The only thing holding up this visit from the Toronto Royalty is that the aluminum alloy rails will have to be replaced by triple-thick stainless steel ones.

    Both Ford Brothers agree with Mayor Atchison that pedestrians and bicyclists are THE major problem facing city councils in the western world today.