Thursday, August 9, 2012

United Nations declares Saskatoon sand bar to be in international waters

The South Saskatchewan River sand bar, pictured from atop the Broadway Bridge, will now be subject to the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Seas
SASKATOON - The United Nations dropped a bombshell last night, declaring the sandbar below Saskatoon’s Broadway Bridge to be located in international waters.

Frank Wagner, the newly-appointed United Nations special envoy to the Saskatoon sand bar expressed caution. “With local, provincial, and national laws no longer applying to the sand bar, we now have a situation where anything goes!”
Interested parties are already moving in to take advantage of the sand bar’s unique legal status.

A casino popped up on the northeast shore of the sand bar within hours.  Appropriately named “The Craps Table” due to the sewage lift station mere metres upstream, the casino has been flush with visitors. 

“Unfortunately, we were dismayed to learn that even in international waters, you still must purchase liquor through the Saskatchewan Liquor and Gaming Authority.” noted Jerry Thorn, the casino’s night club manager.

Meanwhile, a group of yogis unable to afford both housing and lululemon have staked claim to a river-front piece of sand.  They are planning a new live-work yogi commune. 

“We want to start the sand bar’s gentrification process early” said Noah Xavier, the commune’s spokesperson.  “Plans are under way first for a coffee shop to open in the third quarter, and the fair trade potash mine should be producing by fiscal 2014.”

Perhaps least surprisingly, the local Chamber of Commerce also rushed in.  Its surveyors staked out space for a sweat shop to manufacture shirts and ties.

“Finally, a jurisdiction with labour laws more lax than Saskatchewan’s!” exclaimed Baxter Trasco, the Chamber’s Director of Entrepreneurial Enhancement.

The provincial government at first was widely expected to increase water flow from Lake Diefenbaker to clear away the sand bar's sins.  In a change of tact, however, they are now examining using the sand bar as a policy incubator.

1 comment:

  1. If Romney wins the US election, look for an American military base to be built upon the sand dune of the Saskatchewan River.

    I can see it all now:

    Premier Wall will wave to the soldiers, smile, and call out, "Hey Sargeant, how'd your grandma's hip operation go?"

    Everyone will get along.