Mayor Atchison rejects LRT in favour of used roller coasters

SASKATOON - In a move being criticised by transit users but applauded by the amusement park lobby, this morning Mayor Atchison announced Saskatoon will reject light rail transit in favour of a city-wide network of used roller coasters.

“Today, Saskatoon declares war on the pedestrian!” Atchison gloated as he squeezed through a ceremonial turnstile at River Landing.

Roller Coaster Transit, or RCT for short, will be built on the city's busiest sidewalks instead of roadways.  Atchison hopes this will encourage car use while getting pesky pedestrians off the streets.

"I mean, have you tried to drive in this city?  There's always some jerk hogging a crosswalk," the mayor griped. "We need to get all these people off the streets.  It's the only way to make them safe!"

The city initially considered putting RCT lines on existing bike paths, but quickly realised you can't get anywhere on a city bike path.

Transit users, while annoyed, have seemingly resigned themselves to City Hall once again kneecapping Saskatoon’s transit system.  Yet Atchison, who rarely if ever has been spotted on a city bus, appeared oblivious.

“No problem!” he retorted when reporters asked about the accessibility problems that roller coasters would create for the disabled.  “We’ll just hitch those wheelchairs onto the back car!”

The new Roller Coaster Transit system will link many important Saskatoon destinations, including the garbage dump with the Mendel Art Gallery and City Hall with the new North Industrial Red Light District.

RCT was panned for its lack of stops anywhere near the 21st Street shopping district, home to the mayor’s men's wear store.  When asked about the difficulties this would cause transit users looking to shop downtown, Atchison cautioned “Oh, I don’t want those kinds of people coming in my store.”

Injuries skyrocket on campus due to electric massage chair

The electric massage chair, pictured above, has been mistaken as a leftover prop from Stephen King's failed "Maximum Overdrive" movie.

SASKATOON - Dozens of people have been injured by a coin-operated electric massage chair in the new University of Saskatchewan Students’ Union centre.

“It was dire” gasped survivor Ted Plauen.  “I sat down and was digging for a loonie.  Next thing you know, the machine is all punching your vertebrate with brass knuckles.”

“At high velocity!” he hastened to add.

Plauen is not alone.  Others in the campus community have fallen victim to the coin-operated chair. 

Debbie Barton, an instructor in the College of Commerce, sustained a cracked rib following a five-minute session.  Brampton Smith, a professor of Chemistry, emerged from the chair with a collapsed lung.  And Paula Leigh, a student of Arts and Science, suffered a torn rotator cuff when a power surge struck while she used the chair.

“It’s just not safe” cautioned Stephen Sudderfield, whose appendix burst while receiving a massage. 
   
Barry Rogers, Students’ Union Vice-President of Branding Academic Integrity, discounted concerns of injury.  Instead he argued the chair was a boon to campus.

“We’re just giving the students what they want,” he asserted.  “A faux-leather coin-operated massage chair in a cheaply-drywalled nook near the food court.”

“I mean, when you’re all tensed up, how can you possibly understand or advocate for your rights as a student?” Rogers justified.

Upon hearing rumours about the chair, the University’s Director of Threats and Hazards, Marnie Booth, investigated first hand.

Enduring a painful massage, Booth hobbled off the chair to proclaim “Not only was the coin slot not clearly labelled, but the machine lacked any sort of marketing program to attract a crowd.”

When asked about the rapidly-appearing bruise on her right shoulder, she griped “There’s no possible way for this chair to maintain quarter-over-quarter growth unless we sell naming rights then franchise.”

Hannah Montana's Cavity Search

Apparently I learned nothing from that 2007 antifreeze-tainted toothpaste scare, as a recent trip to the Extra Foods resulted in the purchase of a 99 cent tube of what appears to be Hannah Montana-flavoured Crest toothpaste.

Sure... you may think it’s ridiculous to postulate that a toothpaste bears the flavour of a pre-teen pop sensation, yet all packaging clues lead nowhere except to this conclusion: Most toothpaste labels have the word “Mint” (or one of its variations) set in 24 point Helvetica alongside a cheaply-drawn green leaf. Splattered across this tube’s label are the words “Hannah Montana” alongside a cheaply-photoshopped teenage commodity.

Given the parallelism, what else is am I to conclude? I doubt those two Disney logos or the pair of indecipherable product codes are signifying the flavour. Does NPN80000806 sound like a flavour to you?

Okay. Perhaps it is a stretch to speculate that a 99 cent chemical gel exactly replicates Hannah Montana's flavour, but I suspect for a dental hygiene paste form, it’s a pretty accurate representation.

Hannah is cinnamon-y. With a hint of bubble gum. And a chemical kick reminiscent of those scratch-and-sniff books you’d take out from the public library as a kid... or perhaps a hit of poppers.

I’ve used half the tube.

But I think I’ve reached the end. Could it be those small sparkly solids suspended in the paste? Maybe it’s the Red 40 listed in the ingredients? Possibly it’s that nagging absence of a Canadian Dental Association seal of approval. Regardless, I just can’t use it any more.

Fortunately, I need not worry if a second Hannah Montana craving sets in. Though found in a clearance bin, the toothpaste is not irreplaceable (unlike, for example, teeth): A quick search of Amazon and Ebay reveals sellers seeking upwards of $32 for six-tube bundles. Even if Crest Hannah Montana flavour toothpaste leaves a bad taste in my mouth, it's practically consumer-grade gold.

This entry originally appeared on pamphleteers, a blog far more compelling than mine...

Mayor Atchison enlists Kool-Aid Man to speed demolitions

Poppin' Fresh put on retainer for future half-baked schemes

SASKATOON - Eager to pave the way for more out-of-control development, Mayor Atchison today announced that he has partnered with the Kool-Aid Man to identify and demolish city heritage properties.

Busting through the west wall of the Mendel Art Gallery to make the announcement, Atchison proclaimed “All these dumpy old buildings are getting in the way of driving up rents and selling naming rights.”

City heritage advocates are particularly alarmed by the Kool-Aid Man’s affinity for brick walls, given that many of Saskatoon’s finest heritage properties - such as Cambridge Court, the Land Titles Office, and the Hutchinson Building - are constructed out of brick.

Atchison appeared oblivious to these citizen concerns. “Only pennies per demolition!” he squealed with delight.

Mayor Atchison robs Louvre of entire art collection

Nothing left behind but gallery’s nameplate

SASKATOON- In what is being described as the most brazen art heist ever, Mayor Atchison robbed the Louvre of its entire collection. He plans to showcase his booty at the River Landing pyramid.

The mayor was unwilling to reveal exactly how he pillaged the Louvre, but experts suspect a crime of this proportion could not have been accomplished without help on the inside.

Even more shocking to Saskatoon residents was the $58 million expense claim Atchison submitted to City Hall. “Art heists don’t come cheap” he declared.

To cover the hefty price tag, the city is considering selling naming rights to the collection’s pieces.

“Soon the Group of Seven will be known as the Group of 7-11” wheezed Atchison as he nibbled on a taquito.

Mayor Atchison unveils plan to build pyramid at River Landing

Near-bankrupt city plans pyramid scheme to pay for pyramid scheme


SASKATOON- Mayor Atchison today announced a pyramid will be built at River Landing.

“Today I give the city a temple to myself” a jubilant Atchison proclaimed on an empty piece of riverfront land.

The architects responsible for Giants Stadium, HNTB, will design Atchison's pyramid. “I can think of 107 reasons to seek out this firm’s expertise” he gushed.

To be constructed using rubble from historical mistakes that developers have graciously bulldozed – such as the Capitol Theatre Movie Palace – Atchison eagerly added “The Pyramid will also block the view from the freeway of unnecessary downtown afflictions like the homeless and the library.”

There have already been several expressions of interest from culturally-significant anchor tenants, including Rona and Arby’s.

Atchison hinted at plans for a sphinx bearing the Mayor’s face as phase two of this project, but would not confirm whether his visage would be placed on the front or the rear of the deity.

Mayor Atchison announces running mate

Unclear if Hamburglar will sit on board of police commissioners

SASKATOON- In a move unprecedented in Saskatoon civic politics, Mayor Atchison today announced he will have a running mate for the coming civic election.

“Today, I announce the addition of Mayor McCheese to my 2009 campaign ticket” Atchison proclaimed from his throne at River Landing as he officially kicked off the Atch McCheese ‘09 campaign. “I can’t think of a more symbolic character for the direction in which I want to take Saskatoon.”

McCheese, known for his iron-fisted leadership style, is largely blamed for silencing voices of dissent in McDonaldland. Notably, Birdie and The Fry Guys vanished in the mid-1980s after speaking out against McCheese’s mad rampages brought on from snorting Sweet n’ Low.

The press conference was abruptly cancelled when Atchison, wearing a purple suit and tie, was mistaken by a group of passing-by children for Grimace, the anthropomorphic McDonaldland sidekick character.